Last Thursday’s radio show, the third episode of ‘What’s Stopping You?‘ with Steve Dickinson of Dickinson Coaching, was all about one word. It’s one of the smallest words in the English language, but it can strike terror into the toughest of us. Just the thought of having to say it – and, worse still, maybe having to hear it – can send perfectly rational, intelligent adults scuttling in the opposite direction!
So what’s the word? It’s ’no’.
The fear of rejection is one of the biggest hurdles most entrepreneurs ever have to get over. First comes the big idea – closely followed by the fear that if we put it into words, people will laugh and tell us we’re being daft. If we pluck up the courage to go public, next comes the need for support, financial or otherwise – with the fear that no-one will actually want to back us hot on its heels. Even when we’re up and running, the fear of rejection keeps rearing its ugly head, in various guises – in relation to prospects, clients, suppliers, financiers etc.
This little word has so much power because we’ve learnt to associate it with disapproval – and we’ve learnt to associate other people’s approval with our own wellbeing. That association has sound evolutionary roots – like the fear of loud noises with which we’re all born. We need other people in order to survive. It also has psychological roots for many of us – because as children, when we heard the word ‘no’, it was often a loud noise from an angry adult – who was responsible for our survival.
Fast-forward a few decades and you have an adult who backs away from asking for what they really want and need as a form of self-protection and so misses out on invaluable opportunities. That’s a big enough obstacle in normal, every day life – but in business, it’s a real disability!
On Thursday’s show, Steve explained how it’s possible to turn the fear around, by shifting focus from ourselves to the person we’re afraid is about to say the dreaded word. He set out three reasons why people say ’no’ – none of which have anything to do with personal disapproval:
1 – fear – they’re afraid they’ll hear something they don’t want to hear, or be pushed into doing something they don’t want to do;
2 – lack of information – they may not put it into so many words, but they don’t fully understand what we’re asking; or
3 – for their own reasons, they really don’t want to do what we’re asking.
Whichever it is, it isn’t about us – it’s about them.
Most of us don’t enjoy saying ‘no’ any more than we enjoy hearing it. As a result, we sometimes say ‘yes’ despite our own fear, lack of information, or knowledge that whatever we’re being asked to do really isn’t for us. I have a friend who very rarely says ‘no’ – although that doesn’t mean he can be railroaded into anything. He’ll say things like, ‘Sorry, I can’t’, ‘I don’t think so’, or ‘I’d prefer not to, to be honest’. Cop-out? Maybe – but I have to say I never go away with that awful feeling of personal rejection. I leave with a sense of understanding his reasons – the focus is on him, rather than me.
I studied Spanish for a short while at university and one of the first things I learnt was that if, for instance, a friend asks you if you fancy going out for a drink, just saying ‘no’ is considered very rude – you’re expected to explain why.
Since last week’s programme, I’ve come to the conclusion that worse even than having someone say ‘no’ is having them say ‘yes’ if they’re worried about, or not sure of, what they’re letting themselves in for – or they really don’t want to do it but are too scared to say so!
And it’s always worth asking. They might actually say ‘yes’ and mean it.
On tomorrow’s show, Steve’s advice is ‘Stop thinking – it’s really bad for business’. To find out what he’s on about, listen at 3PM on 97.8 FM if you’re in the Basildon and East Thurrock area, or online anywhere else, at http://www.gateway978.com.
If you have any ideas for topics for future programmes, please get in touch.
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