Last Thursday’s radio show, the third episode of ‘What’s Stopping You?‘ with Steve Dickinson of Dickinson Coaching, was all about one word. It’s one of the smallest words in the English language, but it can strike terror into the toughest of us. Just the thought of having to say it – and, worse still, maybe having to hear it – can send perfectly rational, intelligent adults scuttling in the opposite direction!
So what’s the word? It’s ’no’.
The fear of rejection is one of the biggest hurdles most entrepreneurs ever have to get over. First comes the big idea – closely followed by the fear that if we put it into words, people will laugh and tell us we’re being daft. If we pluck up the courage to go public, next comes the need for support, financial or otherwise – with the fear that no-one will actually want to back us hot on its heels. Even when we’re up and running, the fear of rejection keeps rearing its ugly head, in various guises – in relation to prospects, clients, suppliers, financiers etc.
This little word has so much power because we’ve learnt to associate it with disapproval – and we’ve learnt to associate other people’s approval with our own wellbeing. That association has sound evolutionary roots – like the fear of loud noises with which we’re all born. We need other people in order to survive. It also has psychological roots for many of us – because as children, when we heard the word ‘no’, it was often a loud noise from an angry adult – who was responsible for our survival.
Fast-forward a few decades and you have an adult who backs away from asking for what they really want and need as a form of self-protection and so misses out on invaluable opportunities. That’s a big enough obstacle in normal, every day life – but in business, it’s a real disability!
On Thursday’s show, Steve explained how it’s possible to turn the fear around, by shifting focus from ourselves to the person we’re afraid is about to say the dreaded word. He set out three reasons why people say ’no’ – none of which have anything to do with personal disapproval:
1 – fear – they’re afraid they’ll hear something they don’t want to hear, or be pushed into doing something they don’t want to do;
2 – lack of information – they may not put it into so many words, but they don’t fully understand what we’re asking; or
3 – for their own reasons, they really don’t want to do what we’re asking.
Whichever it is, it isn’t about us – it’s about them.
Most of us don’t enjoy saying ‘no’ any more than we enjoy hearing it. As a result, we sometimes say ‘yes’ despite our own fear, lack of information, or knowledge that whatever we’re being asked to do really isn’t for us. I have a friend who very rarely says ‘no’ – although that doesn’t mean he can be railroaded into anything. He’ll say things like, ‘Sorry, I can’t’, ‘I don’t think so’, or ‘I’d prefer not to, to be honest’. Cop-out? Maybe – but I have to say I never go away with that awful feeling of personal rejection. I leave with a sense of understanding his reasons – the focus is on him, rather than me.
I studied Spanish for a short while at university and one of the first things I learnt was that if, for instance, a friend asks you if you fancy going out for a drink, just saying ‘no’ is considered very rude – you’re expected to explain why.
Since last week’s programme, I’ve come to the conclusion that worse even than having someone say ‘no’ is having them say ‘yes’ if they’re worried about, or not sure of, what they’re letting themselves in for – or they really don’t want to do it but are too scared to say so!
And it’s always worth asking. They might actually say ‘yes’ and mean it.
On tomorrow’s show, Steve’s advice is ‘Stop thinking – it’s really bad for business’. To find out what he’s on about, listen at 3PM on 97.8 FM if you’re in the Basildon and East Thurrock area, or online anywhere else, at http://www.gateway978.com.
If you have any ideas for topics for future programmes, please get in touch.
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Feedback: A painful noise? Or music to your ears?
A couple of years ago, I did a presentation under this title. It was all about the similarities I’d spoted between two apparently completely different kinds of feedback – the horrible, high-pitched whistling noise you get in a studio, or with a PA system, when the mic is too close to a speaker or a pair of headphones and the sound circles around between the two, and negative comments from customers.
I hadn’t thought of it in ages – until yesterday.
I’m currently adapting a series of training courses I normally deliver personally, into downloadable packages. If you’ve never done that, it isn’t as easy as it looks. When I’m face to face with a client or group of clients, although I follow the same basic process each time, their questions and feedback play a significant role in deciding what we focus on and how I deliver the information.. The online version has to include everything and be user-friendly for everyone who wants to use it.
As I’m too close to the subject and the material to judge whether I’m hitting either of those objectives, I’ve asked a small group of people to road-test the course as I develop it. Yesterday saw the first major milestone, when I sent them the first draft of the first module.
To be honest, I was quite surprised how nervous I was – it was almost as bad as when I hit the ‘Send’ button and emailed out the very first draft of the book!
A few hours later, I was sitting in the radio studio, interviewing Caroline Thomas of Sales Scene and Louise Innes of Dotty Hippo Design, about the Thurrock Network Group and their ‘Thurrock’s Den’ project at this weekend’s T-Fest. If you’re in the area, go and check out their stand – there’s a great prize on offer for the best videoed business pitch, courtesy of the Park Inn Thurrock, Sales Scene and Dotty Hippo Design.
The interview went really well – both girls know their stuff inside out and are passionate about their subject – but through the whole thing, I could hear the familiar high howl of feedback in my headphones – OUCH! There was nothing obviously wrong and as we were live on air, there wasn’t much I could do by way of investigation – so I just had to grin and bear it – and solve it at the earliest opportunity (before the poor listener ran as far from the radio as possible, holding their ears!)
So what’s the connection between those two events? Well, as I said at the beginning, audio feedback happens when a mic gets too close to an output source. It’s a nasty noise – it can actually hurt if it’s loud enough – but it does alert you pretty quickly to the fact that there’s a problem which will, if it’s left unchecked, drive listeners away. It’s usually quite easily fixed, by putting distance between the two bits of kit which are annoying each other.
In business, we often fight shy of getting too close to our customers, in case we hear something that hurts, don’t we? I’m twitching at the moment, waiting for my test-drivers to come back to me. I’d love them to tell me my first efforts are wonderful and I should just keep doing what I’m doing – but realistically, I know they’re far more likely to offer constructive criticism. Some of it might even sting a bit – but at least it’ll tell me where the issues are at this early stage and I’ll be able to fix them before the product hits the market – and prospective paying customers vote with their hard-earned!
We tend to see complaints etc as problems – but shouldn’t we actually see them as opportunities to improve? Rather than being painful noises (avoided by putting a distance between us and the critic), shouldn’t they be music to our ears? I’m certainly trying to see them that way at the moment!